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Intelligent Humorous Quotes

Spare Time Gizmos

Humorous   Quotations

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.  ~Fred Allen

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.  ~H.L. Mencken

A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.  ~Author Unknown

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.  ~Arthur McBride Bloch

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't.  ~Author Unknown

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.  ~John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It is already tomorrow in Australia.  ~Charles Schulz

All generalizations are bad.  ~R.H. Grenier

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.  Now I see that I should have been more specific.  ~Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed by Lily Tomlin

The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.  ~Tom Waits, Small Change

Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.  ~Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party?  Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.  ~P.J. O'Rourke

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?  ~Nigel Rees

I have six locks on my door all in a row.  When I go out, I lock every other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.  ~Elayne Boosler

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.  ~George Ade

If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me.  ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet

Man was predestined to have free will.  ~Hal Lee Luyah

Maybe this world is another planet's hell.  ~Aldous Huxley

Murphy was an optimist.  ~O'Toole's Commentary

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.  ~Nicholas Chamfort

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.  ~Robert Graves

The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.  ~Douglas Adams

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.  ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

Today is the last day of some of your life.  ~Author Unknown

Without geography, you're nowhere.  ~Author Unknown

It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.  ~Author Unknown

He's turned his life around.  He used to be depressed and miserable.  Now he's miserable and depressed.  ~Harry Kalas, on Garry Maddox, 1981

He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs.  ~Torvald Gahlin

I plan on living forever.  So far, so good.  ~Author Unknown

Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.  ~Author Unknown

You can't have everything... where would you put it?  ~Steven Wright

May those who love us love us,
and those who do not love us,
may God turn their hearts,
and if He cannot turn their hearts
may He turn their ankles
that we may know them by their limping.
~Irish Prayer

Love your enemies.  It makes them so damned mad.  ~P.D. East

There's no such thing as fun for the whole family.  ~Jerry Seinfeld

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.  ~Woody Allen

And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!"  ~Author Unknown

Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to weave.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football.  ~Author Unknown

The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.  ~Author Unknown

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.  ~Author Unknown

A great name for a new country song:  If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.  ~Author Unknown

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.  ~Rita Mae Brown

A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.  ~Sir Winston Churchill

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.  ~Author Unknown

How can angels fall asleep when the devil leaves his porch light on?  ~Author Unknown

Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.  ~Carl Zwanzig

A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.  ~Evan Esar

Home is heaven and orgies are vile,
But I like an orgy, once in a while.
~Ogden Nash, Home, 99 44/100% Sweet Home

Can we actually "know" the universe?  My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown.  ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.  ~Jack Benny

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.  ~Fred Allen

Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker.  ~From the movie Naked

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.  ~Colin Sautar

Who says nothing is impossible.  I've been doing nothing for years.  ~Author Unknown

You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein?  Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret.  He is French, people.  ~Conan O'Brien, 2003

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.  ~Mae West

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?  ~Author Unknown

She was what we used to call a suicide blond - dyed by her own hand.  ~Saul Bellow

Protect me from knowing what I don't need to know.  Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know.  Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about.  Amen.  ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

Lord, lord, lord.  Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer.  ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

Reasons why the English language is hard to learn:

     The bandage was wound around the wound.

        The farm was used to produce produce.

         The dump was so full that it had to refuse more  refuse.

         We must polish the Polish furniture.

        He could lead if he would get the lead out.

       The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

         Since there is no time like the present, he thought   it was time to present the present.

         A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

         When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

       I did not object to the object.

        The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

       There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

        They were too close to the door to close it.

       The buck does funny things when the does are present.

         A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

         To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

        The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

         After a number of injections my jaw got number.

         Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

        I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

         How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

         There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

    English muffins weren't invented in England or French   fries in France.

    Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

       We take English for granted. But if we explore its   paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,    boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write but fingers don't   fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

       If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the   plural of booth beeth?  Or, one goose, 2 geese? So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

    Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but  not one amend.  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of  all but one of them, what do you call it?

  If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

  If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

  In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

  Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

  Have noses that run and feet that smell?

  How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

  You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a  language in which your house can burn up as it burns  down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out  and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

 English was invented by people, not computers,    and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

 That is why, when the stars are out, they are  visible, but when the lights are out, they are   invisible

This is one of the most clever e-mails I have received in a long time.
  Someone out there either has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
  George Bush:
  When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore
  When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
  When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
  When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
  The Morse Code:
  When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
  Slot Machines:
  When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em
  When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
  When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
  Snooze Alarms:
  When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's
  A Decimal Point:
  When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
  The Earthquakes:
  When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
  Eleven plus two:
  When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
Subject: Brazil is the sure winner!
Date: Wednesday, June 26, 2002 4:07 AM

By simple deduction , Brazil  is the sure Winner !

Brazil last won the world cup in 1994.

Before that they won it in 1970.

Add 1970 and 1994, it equals 3964.

Germany last won in 1990.

Before that they won in 1974.

Add 1990 and 1974, it equals 3964.

Argentina last won the world cup in 1986.

Before that they won it in 1978.

Add 1978 and 1986, it equals 3964.

So going by this logic, The winner of the 2002 world

cup is the same as the 3964 - 2002 = 1962 world cup.

The 1962 world cup was won by Brazil.

Now the Best Part !!!

Israeli fans too have reason to rejoice:

Israel has never won the world cup so we'll probably
win it in the year 3964.