|
Humorous
 Quotations
A celebrity
is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred
Allen
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are
only ten of them. ~H.L. Mencken
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither
of them wanted. ~Author Unknown
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. ~Arthur
McBride Bloch
A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but
doesn't. ~Author Unknown
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
~John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went
Don't worry about the world coming to an end
today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz
All generalizations are bad. ~R.H.
Grenier
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.
~Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed by Lily Tomlin
The large print
giveth, but the small print taketh away. ~Tom Waits, Small Change
Eagles may soar in the clouds, but
weasels never get sucked into jet engines. ~Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield
After all,
what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose,
they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. ~P.J. O'Rourke
How come there's only
one Monopolies Commission? ~Nigel Rees
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
~Elayne Boosler
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. ~George Ade
If
The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me. ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet
Man was predestined to have free will.
~Hal Lee Luyah
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. ~Aldous Huxley
Murphy was an optimist.
~O'Toole's Commentary
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
~Nicholas Chamfort
The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people
who say he is very good. ~Robert Graves
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
~Douglas Adams
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried
to contact us. ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes
Today is the last day of some of your life.
~Author Unknown
Without geography, you're nowhere. ~Author Unknown
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it. ~Author Unknown
He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and
miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed. ~Harry Kalas, on Garry Maddox, 1981
He
who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs. ~Torvald Gahlin
I plan on living forever. So far, so good. ~Author Unknown
Ability
is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter. ~Author Unknown
You can't have everything...
where would you put it? ~Steven Wright
May those who love us love us,
and those who do not love us,
may
God turn their hearts,
and if He cannot turn their hearts
may He turn their ankles
that we may know them by their
limping.
~Irish Prayer
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. ~P.D. East
There's
no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~Jerry Seinfeld
The universe is merely a fleeting
idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house. ~Woody
Allen
And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!" ~Author Unknown
Oh
what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to weave. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
When
somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football. ~Author Unknown
The chicken came
first - God would look silly sitting on an egg. ~Author Unknown
The early bird gets the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese. ~Author Unknown
A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner,
I'd Be Out of Jail by Now. ~Author Unknown
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
~Rita Mae Brown
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.
~Sir Winston Churchill
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when
you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes. ~Author Unknown
How can angels fall asleep
when the devil leaves his porch light on? ~Author Unknown
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light
side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~Carl Zwanzig
A signature always reveals a man's character
- and sometimes even his name. ~Evan Esar
Home is heaven and orgies are vile,
But I like an orgy, once
in a while.
~Ogden Nash, Home, 99 44/100% Sweet Home
Can we actually "know" the universe?
My God, it's hard enough finding your way around in Chinatown. ~Woody Allen, Getting Even, 1971
A
scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. ~Jack Benny
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
~Fred Allen
Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker.
~From the movie Naked
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. ~Colin
Sautar
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. ~Author Unknown
You
know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a
beret. He is French, people. ~Conan O'Brien, 2003
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of
success wrong by wrong. ~Mae West
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? ~Author
Unknown
She was what we used to call a suicide blond - dyed by her own hand. ~Saul Bellow
Protect
me from knowing what I don't need to know. Protect me from even knowing that there are things to know that I don't know.
Protect me from knowing that I decided not to know about the things that I decided not to know about. Amen. ~Douglas
Adams, Mostly Harmless
Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of
the above prayer. ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless
Reasons why the English language
is hard to learn:
The bandage was wound around the
wound.
The farm was used
to produce produce.
The dump
was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
We must polish
the Polish furniture.
He could lead if
he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to
desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there
is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was
painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot
at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the
object.
The insurance was
invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among
the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close
to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things
when the does are present.
A seamstress
and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with
planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too
strong to wind the sail.
After a number
of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing
the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject
the subject to a series of tests.
How can I
intimate this to my most intimate friend?
There is
no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England
or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads,
which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers
don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth
is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? Or, one goose, 2 geese? So one moose, 2 meese? One index,
2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make
amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what
do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian
eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play
at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an
alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and
it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible
REALLY CLEVER
This is one of the most clever e-mails I have received in
a long time.
Someone out there either has far too much spare time
or is deadly at Scrabble.
George Bush:
When you rearrange the letters: He bugs Gore
Dormitory:
When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room
Evangelist:
When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent
Desperation:
When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code:
When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines:
When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in em
Animosity:
When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity
Mother-in-law:
When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms:
When you rearrange the letters: Alas! No More Z's
A Decimal Point:
When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes:
When you rearrange the letters: That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two:
When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one
Subject: Brazil is the sure winner!
Date: Wednesday, June 26, 2002 4:07 AM
By simple deduction , Brazil is the sure Winner !
Brazil last won the world cup in 1994.
Before that they won it in 1970.
Add 1970 and 1994, it equals 3964.
Germany last won in 1990.
Before that they won in 1974.
Add 1990 and 1974, it equals 3964.
Argentina last won the world cup in 1986.
Before that they won it in 1978.
Add 1978 and 1986, it equals 3964.
So going by this logic, The winner of the 2002 world
cup is the same as the 3964 - 2002 = 1962 world cup.
The 1962 world cup was won by Brazil.
Now the Best Part !!!
Israeli fans too have reason to rejoice:
Israel has never won the world cup so we'll probably
win it in the year 3964.
|
